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ACASA: formula for positively influencing outcomes

Somehow, in our human evolution, we have never developed the capacity, oh darn!, to change another person such as our spouse or teenager; though we never seem to give up trying until we become too frustrated and resentful, and give up trying or eventually shut each other out emotionally. 

Some issues between 2 people are truly solvable, though that doesn’t mean they get solved without some type of help; others are perpetual, meaning that, like a bad knee, you need to make do or work around it, if you want the relationship to last.  Some issues or situations are ones that may never yield a satisfying relationship.  I can offer assessments and tools to help you distinguish whether your unmet needs are solvable (and how to get them solved or perhaps dissolved), perpetual (and how to work around them) or not worth trying any longer.

Yet we do have the power to master our own attitudes and behaviors to positively influence others.  I do believe that this is truly an undeveloped skill in our human evolution.  Here is a formula to guide you on your path towards positive personal change of attitude and behavior that could positively influence better outcomes in your relationship:

ACASA:  Awareness + Choice + Action + Support + Accountability = Positive Change

Example of ACASA in action:

Situation:  Sue and Jim are both frustrated and argue repeatedly: she, about not enough help with housework and he, about not enough sex.

Awareness: Sue realizes that housework and sex are really two separate issues,.  By enmeshing the two, and thereby withholding sex, she creates distance and disconnection with Jim, who, because he feels rejected, is even less willing to meet her needs. 

Choice: Sue decides that, most of all, she wants to rebuild the love and intimacy between them.  She will find another way, at least for now, to get outside help with housework, and will stop nagging him.

Action: Sue becomes more affectionate towards Jim, and shows appreciation to him for the ways he does contribute to their life together. Jim, feeling appreciated and desired, begins to be more responsive to her needs.

Support: Sue asks Jim if they can get some relationship coaching together, so they can both get their needs met and be happier together.  Jim feels cared about and valued, and agrees.

Accountability: Working with their coach, Sue and Jim clarify the values and behaviors they each want to live by.  They use a Relationship Action Plan to track their agreements and for follow up to keep them on track until their new behaviors become their norm.

After reading this, you might ask yourself (especially if you are a woman), "why did she have to give in; why do women always have to be the ones to give in?".  A different , more empowering and more influencing perspective, is "what outcome(s) do I really want for my relationship?  What can I do to help make that happen?  Either Sue or Jim could have stepped up to the plate; when one keeps waiting (with increasing resentment) for the other, one drains the love and connection that is possible, and one loses the opportunity to be the positive influencer.   

To apply for Free Coaching for Positive Change for your situation, go to the POSITIVE CHANGE registration form for all details and to enter the details for your situation.