The Disrespect Tango

Scenario: You ask your spouse (or sibling, teen, coworker) to do a task or you temporarily need his or her attention, only to feel ignored or pandered to or you get backtalk or an argument.  And most likely, this is not the first occurrence, but an oft-repeated pattern.  Understandably, you feel frustrated, disrespected and perhaps angry.  Sometimes you might feel like screaming or wringing someone’s neck!

How do you respond? 

How do you respond to being ignored or blown off?  When I asked this question to several couples who were in the midst of this pattern, they said that it seemed to bring out the worst in them, and they became equally disrespectful by fuming, yelling, giving the cold shoulder, getting revenge, putting up emotional walls, or giving up and feeling like a doormat, with all of its subtle but real repercussions.

Emotion-fueled responses: what outcomes?

When I asked whether their reactions to negative behavior produced positive results in terms of the tasks getting done, or improved their relationships, NO was the universal response, and yet that “disrespect tango” dance repeated for years, became entrenched and got progressively worse.  Not one person or couple felt empowered by this pattern of responding to disrespect with corresponding disrespect, but had no idea how to stop it or get better results.  As kids, most of us heard “two wrongs don’t make a right”, but we never really learned how to “make a right”.  

The ‘3 tries’ test:

As a general rule, if some behavior on your part does not get good results 3 times, stop doing it, and seek some other path.  But what can one do instead?  In this case, it seems as if we only have two choices: be a doormat (let others walk all over us) or react (badly). 

Where to focus:

Before we examine alternatives, I want to point out that I’m not focusing here on how get ‘the jerk (or jerkette)’ to finally do what you want him/her to do, but on ourselves as well.

The reason for that is that in healthy, conscious relationships, we don’t force, control, cajole, or manipulate others to behave the way we want them to.  (Besides, it doesn’t work anyway, and just fuels endless power struggles!). 

Instead we focus on ourselves, what we can do differently, and perhaps how to use our power of positive influence to create a culture of mutual respect, which, is likely to reap rewards of positive, responsive behavior without power struggles or frustration.

My Power Tools:

I just looked into my personal Power Tool Chest, and pulled out some of my favorite resources to reframe and address the problem(s) mentioned here.  I use them regularly, and just want to give you a peek into what has worked well for me –and us--in our 38 year marriage.  So these are “kitchen and bedroom tested”.

Some of these “tools” can ‘clear the air’ in your home, removing the toxins of disrespect, frustration, need for nagging, etc, and others are like hammers and screwdrivers, in that they drill into the issues directly.

A few of my most useful tools are:

• Boundaries: Setting, expressing and keeping my boundaries (what I am willing and not willing to do) (VERY IMPORTANT!)
• Values: Letting my values determine how I behave rather than my frustration
• Asking: Asking for what I need (with respect and caring), rather than complaining or nagging
• More loving: More affection and sex, regardless (rejection breeds distance and walls, not more togetherness or help)
• “Crossing the bridge” into understanding the other person’s experience in life and around me that evokes their own negative behavior
• ‘WE’ focus:  How can WE have a more satisfying life together, rather than thinking it is Me VS You

In relationship coaching and marriage education, we put the focus on the dynamics of how to bond in emotionally healthy ways that get the positive outcomes you want.  If I can help you develop and use your own Relationship Tool Chest, please call me at 610-428-2755 or email me at annette@greatrelationshipscoaching.com.  Warmly, Annette Carpien